21 Important Ways to Prepare Your Children for Divorce

Sometimes, life throws us curveballs that are bigger than we can handle. The best way to prepare for these unexpected events is by teaching our children about what they might face when a divorce occurs and preparing them emotionally as well so it doesn't leave scars on the psyche or innocence forever; let's take a look at some ways you can start doing this!

Here are the ways to prepare your kids for divorce

1) Get all of your questions answered together

There will undoubtedly be lots of complicated legal jargon involved in any kind of trial process which could confuse even adults like yourselves (witnesses have been known not only to lie under oath but also forge documents). Make sure both parties know exactly where each other stands before heading into court if the need arises then parents can head to court knowing exactly what they're fighting for.

2) Don't drag out the divorce

One of the biggest mistakes parents make is letting their children endure a divorce that could have been avoided if only both parents were willing to compromise and talk about what was best for all involved. Remember, everything you do with your children reflected upon you while your kids are watching.

3) Divorce doesn't mean betrayal

A divorce is not a betrayal by either parent because children must understand that you still love them, even if it seems like you don't anymore. It takes time to adjust to new situations and parents need to be patient while helping their children adapt. There should be no reason to explain why you are getting divorced.

4) Allow your child to have some time alone with each parent

This is especially important if the break-up was initiated by one of the parents while splitting up assets down the middle. Children need time to realize that even though someone else came into their lives that both parents still love them the same.

5) Allow your child to decide who he/she wants to live with

Don't force children into the decision-making process about which parent they want to live with because it can be confusing, especially if they're still young. Explain that this isn't up for them to decide and not only hurt feelings but possibly set a bad precedent.

6) Don't badmouth your ex-spouse

Even though the break-up is probably a painful and hurtful experience, children will mimic their parents' behavior in front of others which means that if you're disrespectful then they'll think that behavior is acceptable when it's not. Stand up for yourself and what you believe in but don't take it out on your child's other parent.

7) Don't change the last name of a child to spite their other parent

Although this seems like a good idea in the heat of the moment, changing a young child's name could be upsetting which means that they could resent you for doing so later on once you've had time to cool off.

8) Don't allow your child to be one side of a triangle

Not once have I ever seen or heard of a situation where it's okay for a child to choose between parents, especially when there are siblings involved which means that more often than not they're caught in the middle.

9) Don't allow your child to take sides or be used as a messenger

More often than not, children are used to relaying messages back and forth between parents which can damage their trust because it makes them feel like they're being put in the middle. Not only is this unfair but it does nothing but cause more problems that will only lead to your child being upset.

10) Don't use a child as a confidant, therapist, or role model

Even though children want to be taken seriously and understand what's going on adults still have the tendency to make them feel like they're not capable of understanding which is unfair because children are very perceptive when it comes to emotions and family dynamics.

11) Don't let a child have more than one "favorite" parent

Baumrind's parenting style suggests that the idea of a favorite parent is unfair because children should love both parents equally which means having a favorite does nothing but breed animosity between the two parents. Kids need to understand that even though their other parents might not be around as much or living with them that they should love them the same.

12) Don't expect your child to choose

When parents are separated it's difficult for children because they want to keep their family together but at the same time, other aspects are pulling them in different directions which means that while it might be hard for you, letting go is easier said than done. Kids are resentful when they feel like they're being used as pawns or that they have no choice especially when one parent pressures them into choosing.

13) Don't use money as a bribe or tool

It may seem like there are only things in it for you but when parents use their child's affection as a bargaining chip, they ultimately lose out because children get resentful and begin to feel used. This will cause them to shut down emotionally which results in them acting out or becoming secretive instead of sharing their feelings.

14) Don't punish your child by withholding affection

Although it may feel like the right thing to do in the heat of the moment or when you're upset, taking out your frustration on your child only causes them more pain because they're left feeling alone and unwanted. This can lead to them acting out which means that they're hurting themselves or they're acting like nothing is wrong when in reality there is.

15) Don't use your child to spy on the other parent

Although some parents might think this would be a good idea it only causes more problems and more pain for their children because not only will they resent them but they could end up feeling like they can't trust them either. It's a lose-lose situation all around and it usually backfires because parents will end up getting caught which results in more fighting.

16) Don't make your child feel guilty for the actions of the other parent

If you've been on the receiving end of negative words, actions, or abuse from your ex there's a good chance they've been putting those thoughts and actions onto your child. Although it's the other parent's fault completely that doesn't mean that your child is unaffected by their words or actions which means that making them feel guilty only causes more problems for everyone involved.

17) Don't make promises you can't keep

No one likes to be lied to and when parents make promises to their children which they don't follow through with it damages their trust. Kids know when they're being used or if someone is lying to them because even though they want to believe what's being said, the truth comes out in other ways.

18) Don't ignore your child

When a parent becomes involved in their own life to the point that they stop caring about their child's emotional well-being or anything else for that matter it sends a message. Your lack of attention only makes children feel undesirable, useless, and unwanted which is why ignoring them breeds nothing but resentment.

19) Don't use your child as an excuse to get back at the other parent

Although your intentions might be good, using your child as a way to upset the other parent is only going to hurt them in the long run. This means that it's more about you and not what is best for the children which result in everyone being unhappy.

20) Don't be afraid to look for help

If you feel like you're losing control or that your child is suffering then you should never be afraid to reach out for help. There are many resources available which means that asking for guidance won't make you seem inadequate it will show your willingness to seek out help for your child which sends an amazing message. Children want to be heard and they want to know that someone is going to do something about it which is why asking for help can result in more opportunities and a chance at a better life.

21) Don't let the relationship fizzle

Parents need to find ways to get along even if they don't like each other much to make sacrifices for the sake of their children's lives. This means that taking time out to communicate and work things out will help your kids be happier and feel more secured about life which is why it's important not to fizzle out on them because you're too caught up in your own life and problems.

Conclusion

As parents, it's important to prepare your child for the possibility of divorce by not making promises you can't keep and avoiding confrontation. Parents should also avoid using their children as an excuse when they are upset with one another or force them to take sides in disagreements between both parties. The best thing that parents can do is listen to what their children have to say about how they feel during this difficult time so that together, they'll be able to work through these feelings and find peace.

Listen to the Heal & Thrive After Heartbreak Podcast

Pick up the best seller, Her Awakening: One Woman’s Journey to Healing After Divorce

Amy has a wealth of parenting experience, from when she was an expectant mother with her own toddler to now being the parent of both a teenager and preschooler. Her blog AmyandRose is aimed at simplifying life for new parents as they navigate their way through parenthood while balancing other aspects in life. Follow AmyandRose on Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest and Youtube.