Building Intimacy in Your Marriage - It's Possible After All These Years!
Whether you’ve been married for one year or twenty, there’s an old stereotype that the flame of passion often “dies out” over time. That doesn’t mean your marriage is bad or isn’t strong. It also doesn’t mean you don’t love your spouse. But, it seems as though most people expect the intimacy to die down after a period of time.
That doesn’t have to happen.
In fact, the longer you’re married, the more intimacy you can build with one another. Most people tend to think of intimacy as something purely physical, but there are actually four different types:
Experiential
Emotional
Sexual
Intellectual
Being able to strengthen your bond with your spouse in each area of intimacy can make your marriage stronger than ever, and help you to feel incredibly close with your partner.
Don’t let the lack of intimacy in your marriage be a source of worry for your everyday life, or make you feel as though divorce is imminent. Let’s cover a few tips you can use to foster more intimacy in your relationship, no matter how long you’ve been married.
Make Time for Deeper Conversations
Intimacy is built when you discover more about your partner. After so many years, you might think you know everything there is to know about your spouse. But, that usually isn’t the case. Between busy schedules, work, kids, and everything in between, it might not always feel easy to have deep, meaningful conversations with your spouse. But, it’s important to set aside time as much as possible to do just that.
Within those conversations, make sure there are no distractions keeping your attention away. Put your phones away, turn the television off, and look at each other as you talk. Use it as a time to be vulnerable, yourself, but to listen to whatever your partner might have to say. Active listening is hugely important in strong relationships. It’s not just about hearing what someone says, it’s about understanding it.
Even if you share or learn one small new thing about your spouse, it can bring you closer together. It could be a like or dislike, a change they’re going through, a strong feeling they have, or something you may not expect. By making time for these conversations, you’re showing that you have a desire to build intimacy in every way within your marriage.
Do Something New Together
Routine is great, and a daily routine can actually help to build intimacy on its own. But, sometimes it’s important to shake things up in your marriage, especially if that daily routine is starting to feel a bit stagnant.
One way to foster more intimacy is to do something big and new together. If your kids are all grown, why not adopt a pet and train it together? Or, start a home project, or volunteer somewhere that is important to both of you.
Getting out of your routine and having to rely on one another when doing something new is a great way to boost your trust in one another, build your own self-esteem, and create more intimacy.
Find Excuses to Touch
Again, intimacy is about so much more than sex. But, physical intimacy is important in any relationship. So, don’t be afraid to talk about your needs and wants when it comes to sexual intimacy and how you can build on that together.
For example, if you’re done having children, you might want to talk to your partner about different forms of birth control, or something like Kyleena IUDs for contraception. If you want to change up your sex life, be vulnerable and open in talking about that, too.
But, beyond sexual intimacy, small touches are important each and every day. Find reasons to touch your partner, whether it be an embrace when they get home from work or a quick kiss in the morning when they leave. Sometimes, something as simple as brushing your hand against theirs while you watch television can make a big difference.
Like any kind of intimacy, physical intimacy is built in the small moments, over time. Find reasons to touch that have nothing to do with sex and with no expectations, and you might be surprised at how much closer you feel.
Show Your Gratitude
You might be grateful for your spouse and the things they do, but do they know that? How often do you show that gratitude? This is another aspect of falling into a routine and how it can sometimes make a relationship feel stagnant.
For example, if your spouse pours you a cup of coffee every morning, you might be grateful, but it’s become so routine that you don’t think to express it.
Tell your spouse how thankful you are for them and the little things they do each day, and expect that kind of gratitude in return. Marriage is a give and take, and far too often couples only tend to focus on the negative side of things, or only bring up what their spouse does wrong.
Instead, change your mindset to focus on what your spouse is doing right, and let them know that as often as possible. People who feel appreciated are more likely to work harder to do more, while those who are underappreciated might not have the motivation to put forth any effort.
It’s Never Too Late for Intimacy
Don’t let yourself fall for the old trope that the fire has to go out just because you’ve been married for a while. Instead, fight back against those stereotypes by working on building intimacy throughout your marriage every step of the way. Talk to your partner about building intimacy and make sure you’re both dedicated to putting in the work.
In doing so, you’ll find that you can become even closer with your spouse as the years go by, and learn new things about them all the time. When you’re committed to building that intimacy, it will lead to a lasting, strong marriage that can cause you to feel just as crazy about your partner in twenty years as you were when you first started dating.